Cross-Eyed

I'm not gonna lie... I am so exhausted that sometimes I catch myself going cross-eyed haha. One of the other interns said that to me one day - "After class, I went home and studied until I went cross-eyed." The sad thing is that it's so true. I want to post something super happy and optimistic but really all I want is my bed.... and about a week to sleep haha. Before you get into this post, I'm going to go ahead and apologize for the run-on sentences and lack of grammar... I don't really care to think about it right now. Lately I don't know what's coming out of my mouth. Yesterday morning I said I was going to eat some spinach and meant that I was going TA class.... wtf?! Today I drove halfway to campus then realized I meant to go to the grocery store a block away....

This diet is really catching up to me... I'm past the point of starving and I'm just weak and tired, which is just annoying. I can deal with being starving but when you can't pick up and move simple things, it gets on your nerves. The first week and half I was super optimistic and doing great at keeping my attitude positive. Now I feel like a cranky old woman on the inside and I'm trying 110% to be positive on the outside. Only a little more than a week left on this stage of the diet and I am hoping and praying that Mike will cycle it with a high carb diet!! Keep your fingers crossed for me!!

The changes are coming though. I can see some definition and I feel harder, but then again I feel like I'm pretty fluffy and have to remind myself that it's because I'm so carb depleted and that when I carb up then I will look so much better. Although I've seen some progress, I know that I'm not seeing enough. Primarily because I haven't been able to do all the workouts I'm supposed to do (5 lifts, 10 cardio). My lats, arms, delts need to be built up and my lower body just needs to cut cut cut cut.. it's a lot of work that I'm afraid won't happen in time. I'm trying my hardest not to be overcome by all these emotions, thoughts, feelings, hunger, pain, weariness that I feel, but sometimes you can't help but just buckle.

Something I do to keep myself motivated is by creating a vision board and by having my influences in places that I will see them often. I feel like I'm angry at all of them right now though... like I'm jealous at these pictures. That's lame. It feels hopeless this far out. It feels hopeless with waking up at 3:45am, football all morning and class all day. My lat spread feels hopeless, my delts seems hopeless, my glute-ham tie-in seems hopeless. I trust that my trainer is going to get me there but I'm so scared that I wont' work hard enough. When I see these pics or see such quick progress in one of my competitors, it makes me feel like I"ll never get there, that the road is just too long.

Yet, we press on. The marbles in my head might be loose from carb-depletion but I'm not going to give in to hunger, I'm not going to give in to myself, that's just not acceptable. I set a goal, and I know I can be that person.

Something else that I was thinking about is the whole going Pro thing. When you go Pro then your job is compete. You make money when you compete and win. I've never ever wanted to win my Pro card for any other reason than a personal goal. Lately I feel like I have to win my Pro card just to prove something to all these people around me that think I just workout too much and eat a weird diet for no reason. How come a track athlete that runs as a pro for living and is sponsored and makes money by running, isn't ridiculed? No, they are praised and held up on a pedestal. Why then, if I were to win my Pro card, get a sponsorship and win money by competing.... why is that nothing? I don't understand. I get that you don't see the "athletic" side on the stage, but seriously, how do you think we got there? SMH. Pisses me off.

Alright!! Protein pancake time yesssssssssssss

116 days