* this post is kind of deep*
I'm avoiding working on my biomechanics paper so I'm going to write a blog instead!!
As the semester is coming to a close, I can feel the stress peel off like layers of an onion. I have a tendency (clearly) to take on way, way too much. This semester is no exception and definitely sent me over the edge. I have learned what my limits are, in so many different ways.
As this blog is a little more personal than facebook status updates and tweets, I feel safe mentioning personal things that I have gone through. Every competitor goes through so many personal battles beyond just working out and trying not to eat cupcakes. Each competitor tries to keep their occasional carb- depleted bad attitudes hidden behind caffeine and thermogenics. There is no exception to other things that are happening in their personal lives. We see these women, and men, on stage or in the gym and we get the overall picture of how their training and diet are going but it's always a conversation in passing, or while they're on the stairmill or wishing them good luck as they go on stage. We never know the struggles that they go through at home - whether with their kids, or financial, or an injury, etc.
So anyhow, this year has been a really tough one, full of losses. You never know how much losing somebody effects you mentally and sub-consciously. June 10th of last year was a turning point in my life and it's been a struggle dealing with the emotions that have been involved. There's been an evolution of those emotions as time as passed - extreme sadness, sorrow, despair then to avoidance then to being mentally affected then to grief and questioning. You never think that you will be the one to receive that call, you think this could never happen to me, this doesn't happen to real people, only in the movies. But it does, and it's happened to more people around you than you know about. Nobody recognizes grief as a handicap, but believe me, it has to be one of the worst handicaps to work through. You can't just fix it, there's no surgery, there's no getting away from it, and you can't ever, ever, ever reverse what happened. What's done is done. I always thought I was such a strong, independent person that could make it through anything. I've met my match. I spent a good 9 months avoiding dealing with my emotions and just telling myself that I could get over it and move on. I felt like I was too good for stress and that if I gave in then I wouldn't be a strong person. Most of all, I feel liek other people don't care. No one cares about what happened to you, they just expect you to get over it and move on like nothing happened. They don't want to hear you whine or cry or see you be sad and depressed. But you can't help it! It wasn't until I just started to break down mentally and physically that I knew I had to give in and do something. I was losing my ability to speak or think clearly. I couldn't retain information and I was having regular extreme panic attacks and thought I was having a heart attack. I tried to work harder to try and make up for my inability to concentrate, or remember people's names or for forgetting things. I've never been the person to misplace my keys or forget things but all the sudden I was leaving the house without anything I intended to take with me. Wow, this isn't what I meant to write about AT ALL. Anyhow, I guess my point behind this is that it's been a really tough time that I've been dealing with internally and it sucks. I've seen what some of my other close competitor friends have been going through and it just makes me realize how much strength these ladies have, to get through the training and diet and also deal with other things that are going on at home. It doesn't matter who you are - Monica Brant, Ava Cowan, Erin Stern... they have shit in their lives too.
Oh, and I meant to say that now that the semester is comign to end, the stress is becoming less and I can finally start to think clearly.
On to other things!
Last Thursday I was rear-ended by a semi truck 3 times. It didn't damage my car too much, although I still ahve to take it in to get repaired. I thought I was fine but when I woke up the next day, I realized that I had gotten some pretty bad whiplash. My neck is pretty tight and I can't look up or to the sides. The worst part is that my arms and fingers are numb and I don't have as much function as before. That part is mostly annoying because of the tingling. I also have this massive twitch in my left triceps that's been going on since the day of the wreck. I'm hoping that I can get in with my chiropractor and get fixed up pretty quick because this isn't good!!
I got my new diet/cardio program from Mike. YIIIIIIIIIKKKKESSS!!! I have two-a-days.. every day!! This is about to get really interesting! On some days I have to run 3 miles.... ummm.. I can jog about 3 minutes right now haha. I am not a runner in any way. On some days I get to do my "own bootcamps" and that's fun because then I can get in those Olympic lifts. I'm really excited to see the results though. The new diet is one of my favorites - avocado, red peppers, cream of rice, greek yogurt with protein (SOOOOOOOO good!)
Maria and I went to the Texas Shredder last night and it was really great to see a competition again. It was enlightening and motivational and fun! Our friend Mimi won first place, yay! My friend, and also Mike's client, looked fantastic last night. She was SO lean!
